Parenting the Perfectionist Child

Welcome to the March 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting With Special Needs

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how we parent despite and because of challenges thrown our way. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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My children, like many highly gifted children, lean toward perfectionism. Perfectionism is often called the crucible of giftedness. Accustomed to excelling at any given task right away, having to work at something is a harder experience for these kids (and adults). Unrealistic expectations can result in feelings of failure, being overly self-critical, high anxiety levels, and individuals may be emotionally guarded.

When I was a child, common theory was to push the perfectionist child to get them past their perfectionist ideals. If a child came across something that wasn’t immediately mastered, it was thought they needed to be pushed past that point in order for them understand about hard work and perserverance. For some adults, perfectionism was payback to the child for being too good at everything. I once had an adult say to me with satisfaction when I wasn’t perfect at something on my first time, “Now you know how the rest of us feel.” Comments of “You are smart. You can do it,” were stated in attempts of reassurance, often with the unspoken, and often unintended, flip side of “If you can’t do it, you aren’t smart.”

Luckily for my children, I understand all to well the feelings of perfectionism. I’ve been there, and if I am honest, I’m still there. I am extremely hard on myself in most aspects of life. In a stage of my life when so much time is spent on parenting, I constantly berate and challenge myself to be a better parent, mentally flogging myself for any mistakes.

Silverman explains six reasons why gifted children are perfectionists:

• Perfectionism is abstract and requires an abstract mind to contemplate that which does not currently exist.
• Perfectionism is a function of asynchrony between the child’s age and mind. A child with advanced mental abilities expects to be able to act on those abilities but often finds himself limited by physical capabilities.
• Many gifted children align their expectations with those of their older peers rather than their age cohorts.
• Gifted children hold enough forethought to ensure success in most endeavors the first time. They will consider all aspects prior to acting, eliminating many objects which would cause failure. As they grow, gifted children have had limited experience with failure. The gifted population also exhibits a much larger percentage of introverts, who tend to be more cautious, than the population as a whole.
• Gifted individuals seek challenges. When there are none, we create them, often making tasks much more difficult than needed.
• Perfectionism, a naturally occurring positive phenomenon which drives us to change, is distorted when treated negatively.

Perfectionism itself need not be negative. It can be the catalyst for change, manifesting in self-realization and humanitarian ideals. The pursuit of excellence is driven by perfectionism, striving to reach goals and better one’s self. To eschew perfectionism completely is to disregard the pursuit of excellence. The defining factor of how perfectionism will be regarded and affect an individual is how it is addressed.

What many people, parents included, fail to understand is that perfectionist children are already under an immense amount of pressure from themselves. Recent studies over the past decade have focused more on this aspect, but the information has yet to be adopted by many professionals, let alone parents and other adults. As parents of perfectionist children, there are many ways we can help them develop positive aspects of their personalities:

• Admit our own mistakes and show how we cope and rectify or live with them. Children often are not privy to nor recognize the mistakes made by their parents, enforcing the idea of their own perfection in a negative light.
• Provide a calm and uncluttered environment, not just physically but mentally and emotionally, as well. When children have pressure in one aspect of their lives, other pressures may put them over the edge.
• Use non-violent communication skills to help children. Often misunderstood by others, gifted children may feel more pressure to do things without adequate support, internalizing feelings of loneliness and lack of preparation.
• Comment on a child’s strengths or work without evaluating. Perfectionists put enough pressure on themselves without external pressure from a parents well-intended praise.

As my children grow older and encounter more difficult tasks, I do what I can for them by way of offering support, encouraging growth, acting as a sounding board for ideas, and showing unconditional love and acceptance. I then step back and allow my children the space they need to work out their problems without any pressure from me; I know they have enough internal pressure.

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon March 13 with all the carnival links.)

• Parenting A Child With Neutropenia — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses the challenge of parenting a young child who cannot produce enough neutrophils to fight off bacterial infections.
• How I Love My High Need Baby — Shannon at GrowingSlower was shocked to find she is parenting a high-needs baby, but she’s surviving thanks to attachment parenting.
• We’re a Lot Like You — kaidera at Our Little Acorn talks about how her family is similar to others, even with all their special needs
• The Emotional Components of Bonding with Preemies — Having a premature baby can bring on many unexpected emotions for parents, but working through those emotions can bring about a wonderful bonding experience. Adrienne at Natural Parents Network shares.
• Raising a babe with IUGR: from birth through the toddler years — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet shares the story of how her son’s post-birth IUGR diagnosis affected his first days of life and gave her an unexpected tutorial in advocating for their rights as a family.
• When a grandparent has a disability — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes shares how she has approached explaining her mother’s disability to her young child.
• Taking The Time To Really See Our Children — Sam at Love Parenting writes about her experiences working with children with various disabilities and how it has affected her parenting style.
• Natural Parenting In An Unnatural Environment — Julie at What I Would Tell You gives us a glimpse into how she improvised to be a natural parent against all odds.
• Getting Through the NICU — Laura at Authentic Parenting gives a few pointers on how to deal with your newborn’s stay in the NICU.
• Living With Sensory Processing Disorder — Christy at Adventures in Mommyhood talks about the challenges that can come from living with a child who has SPD.
• Our rules for NICU – March Carnival — Hannabert’s Mom shares her family’s rules for family and friends of a NICU baby.
• Letter from Mineral’s Service Dog — Erika at Cinco de Mommy imagines the letter that accompanies her special needs son’s Service Dog.
• Blessings in Unexpected Places — That Mama Gretchen welcomes an inspiring guest post from a dear friend who shares about the blessings that come from a child with Down syndrome.
• Tube Feeding with a Blenderized Diet of Whole Foods — Erica at ChildOrganics shares her experiences with using real food when feeding her daughter who was unable to feed herself and needed a feeding tube.
• Abbey and Evan — Amyables at Toddler In Tow writes about watching her preschooler play with her friend who is autistic and deaf, and wonders how she can explain his special needs better.
• How to Minimise the Chance of a {Genetically Prone} Child Being Diagnosed with ADHD — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares her tips on keeping a child who is genetically prone to ADHD from suffering the effects.
• Tough Decisions: Parenting With Special Needs — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares what has been keeping her up at night worrying, while spending her days discovering just what her options are for her precocious child.
• Life with my son — For Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum, life with an autistic child is just another variation on the parenting experience.
• Dear Special Needs Mama — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes a letter of encouragement to herself and other mamas of special needs children.
• His Voice — Laura at WaldenMommy relives the day her son said his first sentence.
• What is ‘wrong’ with you’ The challenge of raising a spirited child — Tara at MUMmedia discusses the challenges of raising a child who is ‘more’ intense, stubborn, and strong willed than your average child.
• Tips for Parenting a Child With Special Medical Needs — Jorje of Momma Jorje shares her shortlist of tips she’s learned in parenting a newborn with special medical needs in a guest post at Becoming Crunchy.
• Parenting the Perfectionist Child — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses that as parents of gifted children, we are in the unique position to help them develop the positive aspects of their perfectionism.
• Montessori-Inspired Special Needs Support — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now gives a list of websites and blogs with Montessori-inspired special-needs information and activities.
• Accommodating Others’ Food Allergies — Ever wonder how to handle another family’s food allergies or whether you should just skip the play date altogether? At Code Name: Mama, Dionna’s friend Kellie (whose family has a host of allergies) shares how grateful she is when friends welcome them, as well as a list of easy snacks you can consider.
• Only make promises you can keep — Growing up the child of a parent with a chronic illness left a lasting impact on Laura of A Pug in the Kitchen and what she is willing to promise for the future.
• A Mom and Her Son — Jen at Our Muddy Boots was fortunate to work with a wonderful family for several summers, seeing the mother of this autistic son be his advocate, but not in the ways she thought.
• Guest Post from Maya at Musings of A Marfan Mom — Zoie at TouchstoneZ is honored to share a guest post from Maya, who writes about effective tools she has found as a parent of two very special boys.
• You Don’t Have to Be a Rock — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds steadiness in allowing herself to cry.
• When Special Needs Looks “Normal” — Amy at Anktangle writes about her experience with mothering a son who has Sensory Processing Disorder. She offers some tips (for strangers, friends, and loved ones) on how to best support a family dealing with this particular neurological challenge.
• Special Needs: Limitation or Liberation? — Melissa of White Noise describes the beauty in children with special needs.
• How I Learned It’ll Be Okay — Ashley at Domestic Chaos reflects on what she learned while nannying for a boy with verbal delays.
• Attachment Parenting and Depression — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how attachment parenting has helped her get a clearer image of herself as a parent and of her depression.
• On invisible special needs & compassion — Lauren at Hobo Mama points out that even if we can’t see a special need, it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
• Thoughts on Parenting Twins — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares her approach to parenting twins.
• ABCs of Breastfeeding in the NICU — Jona at Breastfeeding Twins offers tips for establishing breastfeeding in the alphabet soup of the NICU.
• Life With Michael – A Mother’s Experience of Life With Aspergers Disorder — At Diary of a First Child, Luschka’s sister-in-law Nicky shares her experience as mother to a child on the Autism Spectrum. It is filled with a mother’s love and devotion to her child as an individual, not a label.
• Raised by a Special Needs Mom — Momma Jorje shares what it was like growing up as the daughter of a mother with a handicap.
• Becoming a Special Needs Mom — Ellen at These Broken Vases shares about becoming the mother of a child with Down syndrome
• She Said It Was “Vital” — Alicia of Lactation Narration (and My Baby Sweets) discusses the conflict she felt when trying to decide whether therapy was necessary for her daughter.